


you don't need to fall with me

by marvellingyou (tourmalinex)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Frottage, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Naked Cuddling, Nightmares, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 06:36:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19145551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tourmalinex/pseuds/marvellingyou
Summary: After all, it washisfault that Bucky fell in the first place,hisfault that Bucky fell into the hands of HYDRA.All I had to do was hold him.Or, Steve has nightmares.For the Stucky Bingo 2019, Square B1—Train





	you don't need to fall with me

It never occurred to Steve that he was dreaming. The cold air, the brightness of the snow and the screeching of the train skating on the rails—all of it was overwhelming. Steve can see it clearly, the desperation in Bucky’s eyes as he clung onto the side of the train car. Even as Steve stretched out his hand, Bucky slipped through his fingers, his scream echoing as he fell into the canyon. Even after all these years, even after Bucky’s recovery, Steve couldn’t forgive himself. After all, it was  _ his _ fault that Bucky fell in the first place, his  _ fault _ that Bucky fell into the hands of HYDRA. 

_ All I had to do was hold him _ .

Bucky never held it against him—he said as much. But on the days Bucky’s PTSD gets the better of him, Steve’s chest would twinge with guilt.

_ You did this to him. _

_ You’re a part of this. _

_ This wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you. _

Steve would give anything—his mind, his soul, his  _ life— _ to atone for his sins. If it were at all possible, he’d take Bucky’s place. But what’s done is done, there’d be no going back.

Steve would wake up from those nightmare-laced nights in a cold sweat.

As if the soul crushing guilt wasn’t enough, Steve still hated cold water—well, being surrounded by it. He was thankful for hot showers and heated pools, but even then, he’d have moments where he was back in the Valkyrie.

So far, the rest of the team didn’t notice—not even Bucky, it seemed. Most days, Steve didn’t have to try too hard. All he had to do was hide behind Captain America, who was fearless and had no weaknesses.

* * *

 

He was on a train, that much was clear. Steve hear the chugging along, pulling into a station that he couldn’t for the life of him recognize. But within a blink of an eye, Steve was sitting in an empty dance hall, decorated with balloons and confetti spread about the floor. Across the stage was a patriotic, red white and blue banner that read “Welcome Home, Captain America.” Not Captain Rogers. Captain Rogers didn’t do anything worthy of a homecoming celebration. Steve stood up, scanning the room, looking for any sign of other people. But as he walked around the hall, Steve heard a thud, followed by agonizingly slow and heavy footsteps. He turned around, eyes widening at the familiar figure.

“Bucky,” he managed to choke out. “Is that really you?”

Of course it wasn’t. His eyes were too distant, too devoid of emotion. No, this was the Winter Soldier. This wasn’t the Bucky Steve knew. His breathing was rigid and his voice ragged.

“... why did you leave me?”

Steve blinked back tears. “I-I didn’t mean to—”

“—I was there, Steve,” Not Bucky said—no,  _ insisted _ . “I was  _ right _ there.”

“I’m sorry—”

Not Bucky charged over, knocking Steve down. Steve allowed Not Bucky to straddle him, to bring a hand around his neck. Without hesitation, Not Bucky squeezed, harder than Steve anticipated.

“That’s not good enough,” Not Bucky growled. “I fucking  _ hate _ you.”

Steve would’ve said more, but he couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. And just like when they fought on the Helicarrier, Steve easily surrendered. What choice did he have? This was penance.

* * *

 

“Hey Sam?” Bucky asked during breakfast. He looked down at his plate, pushing around the scrambled eggs. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?” Sam bit into a slice of toast. “Shoot.”

“It’s about Steve.” His shoulders slumped as he leaned back in his chair. “Have you… I don’t know. Have you noticed anything  _ off _ ?”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Usual off or something’s different off?” The moment Bucky’s eyes widened in horror, Sam shook his head. “I mean, usual off isn’t that serious. Sometimes after missions, he either goes off to the gym or his apartment to decompress and I don’t hear from him for a few days.”

“That’s not entirely new, but remind me to tell him off about that.” Bucky took a sip of coffee. “This feels different. I don’t know how, but I know it is. If he’d tell anyone, it’d be me or you.”

“He hasn’t said anything to me,” Sam replied. “But I’ll keep an eye out.”

Bucky sighed in relief. “Thanks, Sam.”

Sam shrugged. “I care about him, too. Not in the same way you do, but I care.”

His face flushed at Sam’s words, making the other man chuckle.

“You two are obvious.” Bucky wished he could wipe that shit-eating grin off of Sam’s face. “I don’t know why you’re trying to hide it.”

Bucky frowned. He never thought of it that way. As far as he could tell, he was always sweet on Steve.

“It’s not like we’re hiding it,” Bucky said carefully. “It’s more like… we’re taking it slow. We were always close, but...”

Sam nodded knowingly. “Take all the time you need. Not everyone gets to live twice.”

That goes without saying. Bucky knew he was lucky, maybe more so than he deserved.

* * *

 

**Bucky Barnes**   


> Hey Stevie

**Steve Rogers**

> Hey Bucky!  
>  What’s up?

**Bucky Barnes**

> I had an idea

**Steve Rogers**

> That’s dangerous

**Bucky Barnes**

> Shut it, punk.  
>  Could I sleep over at your place?  
>  We can get take out and watch stuff on Netflix? Hulu?  
>  What’s the difference?

**Steve Rogers**

> Jerk   
>  Of course you can sleep over  
>  What’s the occasion

**Bucky Barnes**

> What? I need a reason to see my best guy?  
>  It can be like the old days  
>  Except we can make out ;)

**Steve Rogers**

> James Buchanan Barnes, are you asking me to Netflix and Chill?

**Bucky Barnes**

> If that’s what you want

**Steve Rogers**

> As if you have to ask  
>  I can order the food ahead of time  
>  What are you craving?

**Bucky Barnes**

> Can we get Mexican?  
>  I’m craving lengua tacos

**Steve Rogers**

> Horchata?

**Bucky Barnes**

> You know it, doll

**Steve Rogers**

> See you later

* * *

 

Their food was getting cold, but neither Steve or Bucky really cared. After an episode into whatever show they decided on—it was recommended on Steve’s account—both men were impatient. Within forty-five minutes, hands roamed, particularly Steve’s hands started from Bucky’s knee, then traveled up his thigh. Likewise, Bucky did the same in return, however, he felt more brave and palmed over the bulge that strained against Steve’s jeans. As their lips found each other, parted and making for filthy kisses, Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. In one swift motion, he scooped Steve up in his arms and stood up, stumbling his way over towards Steve’s bedroom. All the while, Steve was cupping Bucky’s face with one hand and clawing at Bucky’s shirt with the other.

Once they got to the bedroom, Bucky laid Steve down, breaking away to discard his clothes, not caring where they landed. Steve, impatient as he was, took his sweet time, knowing very well that Bucky’s mouth was watering in anticipation.

“Steve, if you don’t hurry the fuck up,” Bucky said, panting. “I’m gonna rip those clothes off of you.”

The blonde smirked. “C’mon, you like me in tight clothes.”

“Yeah, but not when I want you naked.” He worked on Steve’s jeans, popping the button open and nearly tearing the zipper open. Steve lifted up his hips, making it easier for Bucky to peel the denim off as he pulled off his shirt.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are, Stevie?” Bucky moved up, laying on his side as he tilted Steve’s face to meet his gaze. Steve shook his head, bashful. God, the blush that went from the blonde’s cheeks, to his shoulders, to his chest. And those beautiful eyes, those pools of blue that sucked Bucky in every time… how could one person be so fucking perfect?

Bucky pressed a firm kiss against Steve’s lips, his hands moving down Steve’s chest. He swept his thumb over one of Steve’s stiff nipples, earning a small groan. He kept rolling his thumb and forefinger over the taught nub before moving to the other, giving it the same treatment. Meanwhile, Steve rutted his hips against Bucky’s desperate for some kind of friction. The moment he felt the heat of Bucky’s thick, hard shaft, he couldn’t help himself, rolling his hips to bring their erections together. Bucky pulled away and clicked his tongue three times.

“Eager, are we?” he asked with a smirk. 

“Of course I am,” Steve blurted. “Have you seen yourself? You’re so fucking hot.”

“I’m so hot, huh?” Bucky nuzzled against the crook of Steve’s neck, giving quick kisses and licks before sucking at the pale skin, leaving purple marks in his wake. Steve trembling, small gasps escaping his lips along with the occasion soft  _ fuck _ .

“B-Buck…  _ please _ ,” Steve begged. “I need you to touch me.”

“You gotta be specific, doll.” 

Steve practically melted, his ears burning. Bucky chuckled lowly.

“What’s wrong, doll?” he asked. “Cat got your tongue?”

“Jerk.” Steve swatted Bucky’s shoulder. “Stop teasing and  _ touch _ me.”

“Alright, alright.” Bucky planted more kisses, moving back up to Steve’s lips. “I’m gonna take care of you, alright?” He reached around and grabbed Steve’s ass, bringing them closer together. Their hips moved sloppily, searching for any semblance of a rhythm. The heat of each other’s throbbing cocks sent chills up their spines, fueling their need for more contact. 

“I love you,” Steve murmured, bringing his hand to cup Bucky’s face before kissing him, tongues intertwining. “I love you so damn much.”

Bucky hummed, wrapping his hand around their lengths, spreading the pre-come over the blunt tips, jerking them together. Steve whined against Bucky’s mouth, panting and grabbing a fistful of Bucky’s hair. The wetness of each other’s mouths was addictive, and Steve didn’t want to stop feeling so wanted, so overwhelmed, not even for a second. 

“Not gonna last much longer, Stevie,” Bucky groaned. Stray strands of hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. “Wanna come with you.”

“M’close too.” Steve bit his lower lip, then let out another small  _ fuck _ .

“Don’t get all quiet now.” He leaned in, sucking at Steve’s neck. “C’mon, let it out for me.”

With a few more strokes, Steve’s eyes shut tight as his mouth slacked open. He relished in each throbbing spurt of come that painted both their stomachs, with a moan, his voice higher pitched than usual. If Bucky wasn’t enjoying his own release and the continuous stroke of his hand, he might have complained that Steve was practically screaming in his ear. But hearing Steve in pleasure, in ecstasy—well, Bucky couldn’t pass that up, never in a million years.

As they came down from their high, breathes evening out, Bucky pecked Steve’s cheeks. Their eyes fluttered closed, drying come ignored and food forgotten.

* * *

 

Steve was the only person on the F train as it pulled into Prospect Park Station. He had no sense of what time it was, not that it really mattered. The train came to a screeching halt, doors parting for no one to enter. And yet, he heard footsteps. Steve squinted his eyes, trying to focus on the shadowy figure boarding the train. It was shrouded in darkness with no defining features. But in a blink, Steve saw his younger self staring back at him. His younger self was lanky, wearing ill-fitting clothes, just as he remembered. But his eyes were different—they were angry. The doors closed and the train continued to its destination. He couldn’t find the right words to say. What does someone say to their past self when that version of you is glaring, as if they were going to tear you to shreds?

“You don’t deserve him,” Younger Steve said coldly. “After everything he did for you, you don’t deserve him.”

Steve gulped. “I-I know. Bucky’s wonderful—”

“—you let him down.”

His voice echoed, drowning out the rumbling of the train. Steve held his head between his hands and tried controlling his breathing. In. One. Two. Three. Out. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

“Was I not good enough for you?”

He knows this voice. Steve didn’t want to look up, but did anyways. He owed Bucky at least that much. Unlike most dreams, this was Bucky before the war, before the fall. When their eyes met, the train exits the tunnel, heading towards a snowy, bright, white mountain range. Bucky moved over towards the doors and pried them open with ease.

“Jump with me this time,” he said, turning back to face Steve. He held out his hand, waiting for Steve to stand. “It won’t hurt as much as you think. It only hurts when they saw off your arm and attach one of their own.” Just as Bucky said this, his left arm slumped to the ground, the impact being louder than it should have been. He didn’t seem too bothered by this, and that made Steve’s stomach twist even more.

“Does this disgust you?” Bucky asked, taking a step forward. 

Steve shook his head adamantly. “You could never disgust me, Buck.”

“Then prove it.” Bucky extended his hand once more. “Fall with me.”

Steve conceded and stood up, taking Bucky’s hand in his. At first, when Bucky smiled, Steve thought he made the right choice. But the smile twisted into something wicked, distorted. Bucky pulled Steve towards him, swinging the blonde so that he was inches away from the doorway. Steve peered down, eyes widening at the bottomless canyon. Before he could say a word, he felt Bucky push him forward.

He could hear Bucky laughing.

* * *

 

Bucky didn’t know what to expect when he woke to an elbow ramming into his side. He immediately sat up trying to make sense of where he was. These sheets weren’t his and this mattress was more firm than his own. That’s right, he’s sleeping over at Steve’s place. Bucky looked over to his right, frowning at Steve, who was trembling and half-shouting, half-mumbling in his sleep. He couldn’t understand a damn word, but he could tell from the way they were said that whatever dream Steve was having wasn’t a good one.

“Steve,” he whispered, lightly shaking the blonde’s shoulder. “Stevie, wake up.”

Steve let out a soft whimper as he tossed and turned. This time, Bucky could make out one word.

“... m’sorry.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t have to know any more than that. He shook Steve by the shoulder again. “Steve,” he repeated, although with firmness in his voice. “Stevie, c’mon. Wake up.”

When Steve came to, he stirred with a start. Unknowingly, he held Bucky’s forearm in a vice grip. 

“It’s okay,” Bucky crooned, waiting for Steve to loosen his hold on him. As Steve released Bucky’s arm, Bucky cupping Steve’s face with his hand and stroking his thumb against his cheek. He stared intently into Steve’s eyes, then pressed their foreheads together. “It was just a dream. You’re okay.”

Despite the reassurance, Steve swallowed thickly and shook his head. “Sorry I woke you up.”

“Ugh, you and your apologies.” Bucky rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance, but smiled softly. “You don’t gotta sorry for anything, y’here?” Although Steve wanted to say more, he sighed, resigned. 

“We can talk about it tomorrow, okay?” He kissed Steve’s forehead and each cheek. “Let’s go back to sleep.” Bucky pulled Steve close, letting the blonde rest his head on top of his chest. Steve rubbed his face against Bucky in appreciation, allowing himself to be content as his mind was filled with Bucky’s heartbeat. Meanwhile, Bucky stroked Steve’s hair, humming until he was sure that Steve fell asleep before closing his own eyes.

Even if a nightmare should curse them with its presence, they would still have each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Here's my first entry for the Stucky Bingo! The prompt was "Train" and while I easily could've written from Bucky's perspective, but I wanted to write about Steve and his guilt-nightmares. I haven't done smut in a while so please forgive my rustiness. Comments and kudos give me life!


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